Log in

No account? Create an account

Juli 2012



RSS Atom
Gehostet von LiveJournal.com

Vorherige 10

9. Jul 2012

Yala National Park, Sri Lanka

I want to go here:

"I was happy that he was happy 'cause I was happy"

29. Jun 2012

trapping flies

i have to go now. every day is so new and i love knowing exactly what to do with them. these will be my last words to the internet until tomorrow. i feel like writing again with strict discipline. i am going to socialize. i am going to embrace my surroundings. tonight, i am the master of pleasure absorption. i can't sum up the summer yet. it's a book in itself. the sound of cicadas are the only control. the lull of seldom loneliness. i am finding a new way and i'll tell you how later.

24. Jun 2012

stoned, looking out a window

Truth, like gold, is to be obtained not by its growth, but by washing away from it all that is not gold. -Leo Tolstoy

9. Mai 2012

passion fleet spoiling

once i start thinking about someone sexually, it's all over from there. for them, for me, for everybody. i feel like congratulating everyone involved in good sex that i've had. you there, thanks for that mad fleeting passion that was concocted in your loins! and you, thanks for allowing us to use your bar as hunting grounds! thanks for being a good friend and fucking off unquestioningly at the end of the night! i need to have sex in the daytime. i realized i am still a little girl about sex. it fascinates me. i want to subject every sexual partner to anthropological research. actually, i mean...have sex with them. of course. that's what everything means. i find it both too good to be true and too stupid to be true. everyone just wants to fuck. some people just remove themselves from that desire just far enough to healthily satisfy it and hone their personal enterprise so that they can have it with someone they find absolutely brilliant. and if for some reason they are not positioned in the right environment to find that person, they'll likely settle for something a bit less. they'll settle for a while until something better presents itself, or settling becomes too much to bear. or they'll settle so hard that they believe they're not settling. i don't mean to be pessimistic. i don't want to be forced to be pessimistic because the truth sucks.

2. Mai 2012

sick nature pulling me down

i made a beautiful change (in) to a beautiful swan.
i looked at the screens and i wanted it all.
deserving people thrived and undeserving perished
undeserving were recognized by the gods
after millions of years toiling in revolutions,
while the deserving saw themselves choking on their owned blood

there is a pretense that i put on for the world. words get confused to me with feelings and attitude. rhetoric. words. become like soldiers positioned on a chessboard. all dead bodies of soldiers positioned by a sick god. when i find a way to shine light on what i see, it is bright and real. no one believes my world exists. no one believes i'm real. existing must be a state of mind. if i didn't realize i existed, anyone else who doesn't realize it never will. people put me in loops. i'm a curious bunny. i try to pretend...i try to pretend i am not a joke. then it gets funnier. and funnier. and funnier...

how can i love this, on this earth where there is not enough, and one of me, but so many comprised of these sights and thoughts and ideas. i must love this? i am paired in life with a woman i love not. my love is only determined by whether or not someone else loves me. i don't know why i bother. i am sick. i don't know what drives me. i don't know why. i am sick to my stomach. this happens to me. my body gets confused with real, and imagined, and folk, and fiction, and heat, and warmth, and feelings, and thoughts...

predictable future

the things i do to make these moments go away before they can happen. 

23. Apr 2012

journalists love TMI

would rather you not give "TMI"

like to get to the point of the raw story

will thank someone for bothering to read them

20. Apr 2012

the need to impact the world contradicts the disdain of power

I've decided that I'm tired of being in debt to countless amounts of brain power that I have wasted on half-assedly trying to "do my part," follow certain rules that are set within a belief (futhermore extending to an attempt to achieve perfection which is futile), and follow certain conventions that failure to adhere to results in dire submission to a subscription of consequences. We're all effortlessly destroying the planet just by existing on it as individuals within a whole, perhaps it should be destroyed faster, with less hesitation and prolonging the consequences of the future like not pulling the plug on a terminally ill planet and letting "God" smite it with suffering until "He" decides to end it. We don't ever destroy the tumor, we just numb the pain for as long as possible while it grows and nourishing cells are eaten away. 

There are so many things that no one is going to tell you you can do, or let alone give you an "okay" to do. That concerns me. That angers me. That depresses me. The majority of people will provide you with conditions and considerations, politely so as not to be responsible for the path they've paved for you going wrong. When I wait for answers or signals, I give up my power to make my own decisions. I trust less in my own decisions than I did before my power was sacrificed in exchange for comfort and security. That is why I need to make a major shift in responsibilities that I delegate to others and myself in my life. What are some things that one volunteers responsibility for and is therefore obligated and entrusted to that responsibility they've consented to? In the society I live in, one is in charge of their job; their role as a caretaker; their role in a relationship; their proclaimed set, or system, of personal beliefs and morals. These roles must be defined and made aware of. That's where it gets tricky and frustrating. Why do I feel obligated to take on a role once I am made aware of it? What are the consequences of not taking on the role? Imbalance? Does this fear of imbalance cause more imbalance than it would have if the fear was eliminated?

I've lost my ability to approach others, to have my say on proximate matter, to feel comfortable in my thoughts, and to accept and obtain my desires. Efforts to make individual change, to make the world a better place seems to me like an exercise of first-world freedom and revolution that allows more issues to brew in the background as one issue is being discarded. Concerning myself with it causes that issue to brew inside of me. I have one life, many chances, and so far I feel like the measure of my worth in positive effects on the world is never going to go beyond 0.0000000000000000000001% (random estimate) unless I stop using self-importance to mask a lack of self-domination. Only then will my thoughts transpose into productiveness.

I must claim myself. I must own myself.

16. Apr 2012

interpret this

Last night I dreamt that Joe Lieberman and some authority droogs put me in the backseat of a car and were taking me somewhere. As they drove along I angrily contemplated reaching over to the front seat and beating up Joe Lieberman as much as I could. I couldn't help it anymore so I reached up and scratched, smacked, and beat him in his face as much as possible. He looked pissed off at first but then he laughed because he was going to press full charges. They re-routed the car to take me to the system but then I spoke up, saying," You know, Joe, you're not that bad of a guy." Am I really sucking up to him? Am I showing him that I regret what I had done? I thought, feeling self betrayal. Then we went to the strip club and before I knew it, we were laying naked on one of the couches for we just had sex. He seemed pleased again having forgot about the assault charges, and relieved yet slightly disgusted I thought, did I just have sex with Joe Lieberman to get out of jail?

13. Apr 2012

(kein Betreff)

The community comprised of those willing to make the sacrifice
Moonlighting, firefighting, fighting crime,
To hear the cries of newborn babies delivered by the midwives
The jail cells sing to free the streets
The pushcarts rattle to a silvery metal beat
An old man who hates surprises reads the paper at a checkered table
And he can't hear the heavy blink of the dish-washer as he toils over a sink,
Listening to the glasses clink under laughter from the dining room

I don't understand why Jodie Foster was never interested in John Hinckley Jr, aside from the fact that he was emotionally disturbed and obsessive. At the very least to tell him that until he was serious about being responsible for Reagan's death, and did not just want to do it for attention, he will never have her heart, let alone respect. That's what I would have done. If I become famous for being a beautiful and brilliant actress, I will call upon all emotionally stable men who seek my affection to participate in the ultimate contest of strength -- to win me over by assassinating someone horrible. 

Now I must disclaim that any assassinations of any horrible people in the future, post my renowned success, are not a result of my conspiracy. But thank you, boys and girls. There's not enough passion out there these days. At least any passion with the proper guidance. The music scene is polluted with rock star politics. World politicians have no interest in the people they represent. Earth is numb, drugged up in labor, her skin tearing. Sex and violence!

All I want to hear is basses roaring. All I want to see is reality coming from within variety, not clones in assorted colors. People are stuck in familiar scenes that breed complacency, a syndrome of boredom that is never cured and only numbed, and disbelief. Those unhealthy screens that teach you what to see, teach you how to be -- they can't teach you everything.  Someday I think I'll be a learned woman and people will listen to me. They'd probably listen to me now, but I never really speak. I may die in a lost language.

Now I will further disclaim that I am not the horrible person you need to assassinate. What the fuck, you crazy ass?

Vorherige 10

implied in context